Love Is Pain
by dollsnatch
Summary: Rodney knows now what love is. Rodney centred and POV, but Ronon/Keller ship, not recommended for McKeller fans! Inspired by The Verves song of the same title.


**Spoilers: **Allusions to Tracker. Nothing major.

**Rating: **K. Pretty safe children!

**Characters: **Rodney-kins (who I do like, whatever this might suggest!), musings on Ronon/Keller (come on, its me what else is there.)

**Warnings: **Definatley not for McKeller supporters!

**A/N**: Getting my laptop back means I spent most of the day catching up on stuff so I just watched Tracker and as a Ronon/Keller shipper,man was I happy! We needed something after all the McKeller spoilers out there!

**A/N#2: **A one-shot inspired by Love is Noise from The Verve. Cause its just such a sunny outlook! Just an angsty little thing.

* * *

Rodney Mc Kay always thought he knew what love was.

Love was that warm feeling that spread across your chest when she smiled at you,whether it was that knowing half smile that just played about her lips or a light-up-the-room beam.

Love was the way she laughed at your jokes, even though they were ridiculously feeble attempts, the sunlight glinting on her hair as she shook her head with mirth.

Love was her accepting your fruit cup even though she really shouldnt, one of the things he did remember from his...experience.

Love was the movies, where the nerd always got the girl and the jock lost out to his undefinable charm and quirky, yet adorable appeal.

Chocolates, flowers, walks on the beach. The whole cliched enchilada.

That was love. Underneath the cynical, sneering exterior Meredith Rodney McKay believed it all.

He had been wrong.

So unequivocally wrong.

That was not love.

Love was pain. The raw, undiluted, crippling pain of knowing that you may love her with the passion of a thousand men, but she would never,ever think of you as anything other than a friend.

Love was the fact that she loved another, the agonising knowledge that filled his head, pushing out all else, creating a blinding vacuum so that it was all he could think about.

Love was seeing them together, and feeling sick to his stomach. The subtle indicators that told all around them that this was not just a friendly lunch. Seeing them across the mess, each so engrossed in the other that the world may well not exist but for the two of them.

Love was what made him push away his lunch tray, doubtful if hed ever be hungry again and hurry to his lab, barking at whoever dared to cross him, trying to lose himself in one of his many projects.

Sometimes, when he acknowledged the part of him he wished didnt exist, he felt angry at her.

The reasonable part of him knew it wasnt her fault. He was living, breathing, hurting proof that you cant choose who you fall in love with. And you cant make them love you back.

But when he was alone, when the reasonable, rational,logical part of him decided to pack its bags and head for a vacation up north, he nearly hated her.

Someone once told him to have to love someone before you can hate them.

That he knew to be true.

But could never really hate her.

Because to hate someone, you needed to forget or ignore all the reasons you loved them in the first place.

And he could never do that.

She hadnt lost any of the qualities that made him fall for her like a ridiculous drooling schoolboy.

They were just directed at someone else.

Ronon.

Who had given her sparring lessons. That wound up-and the irony wasnt lost on him at all-indirectly saving his life.

Who had returned the doll to the little girl.

Who had found her.

Who had saved her.

Who had been on the recieving end of one of the coveted smiles.

Who had her heart.

When hes feeling more generous he can say the better man won.

But hes lying to himself and he knows it.

She is not a prize to be played games over. It was not a competition that guaranteed her.

She had a choice. And she hadnt chosen him.

And that, above all else, was what hurt the most.

So now Rodney knows.

And he wished, above all else, that he didnt.

Love is noise. Love is pain.

* * *

So there it is, hope you enjoy after the madness that was my last efffort-I dont know if humours really my thing! Quite dark I know but thats my current mood. Also its 2 am and Im very cold. So Im off to bed!

Doll, :D


End file.
